Sunday, January 26, 2020

Mark's thoughts: Lutherans, don't date Christians. Date Lutherans*

In a recent CPH Blog The Truth of Dating Someone Who Is Not a Christian, Megan Pellock does a very nice job laying out the biblical and practical reasons that a Christian should date another Christian.  She observes:
My mom had always stressed to me that dating someone who shared the same religious beliefs as me would help the relationship. I always thought that my mom wanted me to find a nice, cute, Lutheran boy because it would just make life easier—he wouldn’t have to take the time to go through catechism classes and such to become an official member of the Lutheran church. Now, I understand what she really meant.
Megan shares her experiences of dating two non-Christians – a Jew and then an atheist.  I was very interested to learn at the end of the piece that Megan is now dating a Lutheran who actually grew up in the same Lutheran congregation. She concludes by saying:
After dating a Lutheran man, I can say how much I value a Christian relationship. Our values are very similar and, more important, we put God first. I am thankful that I can praise the Lord with a man who understands and shares those beliefs with me. My mother was right all along.
Megan’s mom was right.  And I think we can build on Megan’s brief post by speaking in the more specific terms of this blog post’s title: Lutherans, don’t date Christians. Date Lutherans*.  The term “Christian” includes a great variety of belief.  However, as Lutherans we believe and confess very specific beliefs because they are true to God’s Word.  Many of these are shared by other Christians as well.  However, it doesn’t take very long for crucial differences to appear: Is Holy Baptism a gift in which God actually does something to us, or is it something we do to show our faith and obey God?  Should infants be baptized or not? Is the Sacrament of the Altar the true body and blood of Christ, or is it just a symbol?  Does the Holy Spirit alone create faith, or can a person by their own reason and strength decide to believe in Jesus?  Is Scripture alone the source of Christian doctrine, or is it Scripture along with the Tradition of the Church? Are we saved by faith alone or are we enabled by God’s grace so that our works play a role in salvation?

These are not minor differences.  They cannot be reconciled.  When a Lutheran dates a Christian who is not a Lutheran, these differences in belief will become apparent.  We must ask how two people can join themselves together in marriage when they do not share the same beliefs about the most important One in their life – the most important One in the world.

In the glow of romantic love couples ignore these differences. They tell themselves that it’s really not that big a deal and that they will be able to handle it.  But once married, what church do they attend? Do they attend separate churches?  That hardly sounds like the shared foundation of Jesus Christ in their marriage. Do they take turns attending each other’s church?  But why would a Lutheran regularly attend a church that believes false doctrine?  Isn’t that a matter of putting a person and relationship ahead of the truth of God’s Word? Often the tension leads to the result that the couple simply doesn’t attend church and avoids the problem altogether.

The moment a child is born, the differences become unavoidable.  Will the infant be baptized?  In which church will the child be raised?  Will the family go to church together? Some parents have suggested that they will expose children to both confessions, and then let them decide which one to follow when they get older.  Yet this simply teaches a child that the Christian faith is not about truth – the truth of God’s Word.  Instead it serves to relativize the faith into a matter of choices.  And if it is just a matter of what one chooses, isn’t it easier to choose to stay in bed on Sunday?

The reality is that if you can’t commune with a person at the Sacrament of the Altar on the Sunday before the wedding, you shouldn’t be getting married.  The Sacrament is the sacrament of unity (1 Corinthians 10:16-17).  Those communing are confessing that they believe the same thing. There is no division among them.  This should be the truth about two people who are about to get married.

This means that Lutherans shouldn’t date Christians. They should date Lutherans*. Now after placing an asterisk behind “Lutheran” yet again, I certainly need to explain what I mean.  I am not saying that Lutherans should never go out on dates with non-Lutherans.  I would be a complete hypocrite if I said that, because I dated and ultimately married a person who was not Lutheran when we began dating.

I was a single seminary student, when a fellow seminarian introduced me to Amy.  At the time she was Methodist.  However, she was a committed Christian and I knew that she was familiar with the Lutheran church and had some interest in it.  As we started dating, I learned that she had begun attending the Lutheran church. This was encouraging.  Then one day she called me up. It was apparent that she had something important to say, and I thought that she was calling to break up with me.  Instead, she had called to tell me that she had been in Catechesis to join the Lutheran church and the date of her confirmation and reception into membership was approaching.  She hadn’t told me before because it was a decision she had already made prior to when we started dating, and she didn’t want me to think that she was doing it just because of our relationship. Amy is in fact an example of a common phenomenon.  Often people who did not grow up Lutheran and join the Lutheran confession later in life appreciate the treasures of Lutheranism even more than lifelong Lutherans.

So date Lutherans*.  Whenever possible, look to date someone who already shares your beliefs – someone who is Lutheran.  When the opportunity presents itself, be open to dating a committed Christian with the intent of seeing whether he or she will grow to embrace Lutheran doctrine and practice.  Yet do so in the recognition that in order for the relationship to move towards marriage, that person will need to embrace Lutheranism willingly and freely as his or her own faith.

This can lead to heart break.  I know a really great Lutheran young man who pursued a relationship with a lovely Baptist young woman. While they loved each other, time made it clear that each one believed their confession of the faith too firmly to become something else.  In the end, they had to acknowledge this fact and the relationship came to an end.  I praised the young man for his willingness to pursue things with a girl who had the potential to be a wonderful wife.  I praised him even more for having the spiritual maturity to recognize it could not lead to a marriage in which they shared the same confession and church, and therefore she was not the one.

If as Lutherans we really believe what we claim to believe, then it will be obvious that we will want to marry someone who shares the same faith. This will mean that the religious confession of an individual will be a key criterion – one of the most important – in determining the person we marry.  There will be times when everything else seems great, but it becomes apparent that the other person will not be willing or able to confess the faith as a Lutheran. Sadly, that is the moment when we need to recognize this is not a relationship that can proceed to marriage.  Yet we trust that the Lord remains in charge of directing our life, and so look for the next Lutheran* to date.

Note: In this piece I have used the term Lutheran.  Writing as a member of the Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod I understand the term to mean those who confess the inspired authority of God’s Word, and the Lutheran Confessions as a correct exposition of that Word. Sadly this does not include the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) which has entered into altar and pulpit fellowship with a whole variety of confessions, and has rejected the teaching of God’s Word through ordination of women, and acceptance of homosexuality.



  1. Thank you, Pastor Surburg, for a terrific article. Sadly, the truth and reality of which you speak are dismissed and waved away, only to come back around to cause serious marriage problems down the road.

    "Love is blind," indeed, it can be, but does not have to be.

  2. I, my daughters and my grandchildren are very grateful that my wife Chris did not follow this particular and outdated tenet!

  3. My husband and I met online back in 1996. I was Episcopalian and he was a lapsed Catholic. Long story short, we became Lutheran in 2001. We converted as a family. It wasn't important to me when we met that he was a particular denomination. I just needed to know that he was a Christian. I am very blessed that he and I both became Lutheran and have raised our kids in the Lutheran church. My daughter has married a Lutheran man and its my hope that my sons will marry within the church. I totally understand the importance of marrying within the faith. God bless.

  4. Good points all...Also earnestly praying together, esp on your knees side by side is an intimate act that IMHO joins souls. If you are not on the same page on foundational beliefs then that might drive a wedge between you instead of uniting you.

  5. The problem is there's no Lutheran guy near me or where I live

  6. When my husband I met, he was Lutheran and teacher in the Lutheran schools, I was a life long Methodist. Our second real date was attending Divine Worship. I have now been a Lutheran for 37 years. It doesn’t always work that way but it did for us. I am so pleased he took a chance on me and that I trusted him implicitly not to steer me wrong.

  7. This is so very true. Since becoming widowed in late 2017, I have been dating garden variety Christians, thinking there was no one in my Lutheran church that I was "attracted to." I finally asked a fine Lutheran woman out and we are together and serious about pursuing marriage. If I had opened my eyes toward the GODLY rather than what the EYES wanted as a filter, and done it earlier, we might have already been married. A lot of time was wasted and heartache obtained over the 4 years. More people MUSt take the advice in this article.

  8. Unfortunately finding Christians to date, let alone Lutherans, in this day and age is very difficult and seems almost impossible. I converted to Lutheranism from Evangelicalism back in 2014, and there are no singles at my church or at any of the other Lutheran churches I've visited throughout the West Coast in the past eight years. I've been trying to find a Christian wife for many years and tried all sorts of online and offline resources, including various Lutheran singles groups on Facebook, but to no avail. It seems to me that if one hasn't found a spouse in college as a Christian, then one has a very difficult road ahead.

    I would like to get married, but I have a feeling I'm going to be single for life because it is so difficult finding a Christian to marry whom I'm interested in and who is interested in me.

    1. I'm in the same exact boat rare to meet Christian women these days who are single. Didn't meet any girl in college who was a devout Christian and who I was interested in. Feminism has turned a lot of single women away from the church. I'm finding that non-denom/baptist churches have the largest pool to choose from, but you often get a lot of weird beliefs that go along with it.

  9. But, our Christian Dating Advice says the most significant rule for online dating is that you should date someone by keeping faith in your mind. It is because faith is the key to building trustworthy relationships for Christians. Apart from this, you should choose a person as a partner who values their relationship with God as much as you do.Christian Dating Advice For Adults